Before I Forget

***

I found an old video compilation from my high school that included the crude and wildly fun Braveheart opening to the school’s media awards show. I took a picture to show Kay how I looked then. Long hair, scruffy; like a metalhead hippie. I looked at those pixel blue eyes, hair slightly obstructing the view, and realized the passion and fire that those eyes once held.

There’s things you forget.
Timeless past.
You forget what you are.
When you remember.
It burns.
An inferno that sweeps.
Killing the dead timber.
Destroying rot.

___

I realized, after seeing that picture, watching old videos of myself and my friends, that the hell I went through during that time was totally of my own making. A self-imposed isolation I ran from, into the arms of a conformity ready to accept any and all exiles. In Orthodox Christianity, Hell isn’t a place under the world, nor do you go there after death. When you die, you wait in realm of the dead until God is ready. Then when God appears, bringing about salvation, those who hold the light to their hearts feel the warmth while those who reject the truth burn. An apt story.

___

Allen Ginsberg starts his famous poem Howl with a foreshadowing of future American society

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,

I don’t plan on being one of them.

Never again.

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One response to “Before I Forget

  1. You can delete this if you want.. but please read it first..
    You wrote ” When you die, you wait in realm of the dead until God is ready. Then when God appears, bringing about salvation, those who hold the light to their hearts feel the warmth while those who reject the truth burn. An apt story. ”
    When God appears to you would you say you had warmth in your heart when you wrote “The Hurricane”?
    And when you quoted Allen Ginsberg “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
    dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix ” was that what you were looking for in me ” an angry fix”?
    And then you went on to say “I don’t plan on being one of them.” but you did in fact become one of them.. in the end. And yet at the beginning of this boastful egocentric behavioural outburst over your wife leaving you, you ended it with “Never again.”
    You were destroyed. It is evident here in this time capsule. You weren’t looking for love. You were looking for someone to destroy. You gave up. They say Satan was once a beautiful angel. What happened to you.. I’m not sure if this is a question or the beginning of a statement.. you’re 28 years old. The next 10 years are going to be very rough on you. I hope it humbles you. May God humble you by bringing you to your knees. I pray for you every night and God knows how angry I am with you but he also knows how hard I have tried to forgive you. You are just a 28 year old kid who ran back home because the big bad world was too cruel for him to handle.. Take your pills. Don’t forget to take your pills.

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