New girl. New thoughts. New worries. My latent OCD appears in the form of obsessive thinking, which drives the anxiety to great new heights.
I do love me some genetic defects.
The first few days after starting the new relations I was hit with things I haven’t felt for years. The anxiety was there, but so was the utter hell of a total lack of self-confidence. I was in a eternal loop of “What did I do wrong?”, “Was that the right move?”, “oh god, oh god…”. It’s a nasty thing if you haven’t felt it. Its slightly like being bi-polar. For minutes or hours you can feel great, and then something will trigger the downfall. Then you’ll wonder if you’re any good at all. If you’re worth anything, but you pump yourself back up. It takes time to get right. The confusion and the worry broke me down like it broke me before since my first crushes. It still bothers me as I write this. But, the thought that cures it, even just temporarily, is this:
She’s just a girl.
I was married for 2 ½ years. I was with the cunt for 4 years. I’m used to easy access to sex and affection. Just lying in bed and if the Ex was naked, good chance I’d be getting some. Now, its back at square one. I’m feeling the pressure of non-existent eyes pushing me to get the lay quick for whatever reason, and if I don’t then I’ve failed. Maria doesn’t work that fast. She’s very friendly and outgoing, but shy and reserved with me. What I assumed was failures turned out to be her insecurities.
I know my game works. This isn’t Seasons, who I was annoyed by. This isn’t the younger Waitress who flaked. This is my chance to integrate everything I’ve learned and stick to it. No lifting pussy above me. No “she’ll save me”. None of that beta-ass bullshit that takes down good men. It was just my luck my first girl after the downfall is one I actually like. So be it. All I have to do is just be the laid back, cool, interesting guy she got hooked on. And that’s what I am.
I will keep evolving. There’s no doubt about that.
Yesterday, Gmac kindly reminded me that I am too hard on myself. Too true.
Also, Kay sent me this. Apparently my self-bashing inspired it:
Dude, life is awkward. Humans are born not taking care of themselves, reliant on people that haven’t earned trust at all. We grow up, tear each other apart, fight for what and who we want. Some win, some don’t. But everyone wins something, and everyone loses something. Then we grow old and can’t take care of ourselves again, reliant on people who haven’t earned trust at all. Then we die. And only the lucky few are remembered by the world, even fewer are remembered favorably. Make an impression while you have the chance. Too much time dwelling on things you lose lessens the chance of making an impact at all. Cause beyond everything else there are some people that can take the truth, embrace it and face the day anyway. And then there are the ones who hate to face the day on the best of circumstances, add that to days that aren’t going their way and the truth becomes a demon dancing on their shoulder. Point out what they should have done, should have been so the world would accept them.