My Post of Means

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

___

I’ll call this my manifesto, or my post of means. People like to talk about the changes in their life, I know I used to, but things never really did change. Not until I saw it with my own mind’s eye did my personality, my soul, finally take the steps against the things that tore at me from the inside out.

Kay and I were talking about my nerves again, kicking up over something little, and we got into all my past relationships, sexual and non-sexual. I talked about what I did, who I hurt, the giant insecurities. My nerves were shot because I obsessed about what would happen when I would eventually reminded Maria that I’m still legally married. Would she freak? What would happen? I realized my thoughts were the root of my anxiety, not my anxiety was the root of my thoughts. Like the Zen monks, I began to understand above my previous understanding. I saw what I had done, I saw that all the problems were rooted in a lack of self-confidence, which later turned to anger, settling and other things. The settling brought resentment and the need to look outside while not leaving the house. It created delusions that I lived out in my head. It confused my child mind. I became aware of my lack of awareness. I became aware that I was the end of my marriage. I became aware that my budding relationship is the longest, most human, most real courtship I’ve ever had. I went out with my first girlfriend because the chick who gave me my first kiss ignored me. I had internet relationships. My second and third lays were emotionless and retarded. I met the Ex online, courted her online and fucked her within the first two hours of meeting her. My past has never been real.

Game has been the spark to the fire that has resurrected the man from the ashes of the boy, the alpha from the scum of the beta. Because of what I’ve read and the people I know and their advice, teachings and support, I can say my life is better being poor, jobless and living with family than it was when I had a steady job, a wife and a future. But, as of now, I am not a player nor do I want to be. I have no qualms about that. I’m learning to be normal, and that takes time. I know I have the ability to move past this and to be what I want, but without the awareness, without the self-assurance that I am self-assured, then there is no way I can rise above the swamp that I was drowning in.

I need to be human before I can give in to my animal instincts.

___

Let us say I suggest you may be human.

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2 responses to “My Post of Means

  1. “I can say my life is better being poor, jobless and living with family than it was when I had a steady job, a wife and a future.”

    Gmac turned me on to what might be my favorite phrase of all times “Plummeting to stardom”

    Its crazy how when you’re at what society would call the bottom that you can feel so good. I was (still am till 6/1) living with my mom and I’ve been happier then I ever was living on my own. With time and happiness has come a new car, a good job, and soon my own place.

    Power to you brother, at our worst we are still better then most.

  2. Pingback: Linkage is Good for You: _______ Edition

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