Its been a boring few weeks. Very boring. My credit is nearing max, so I’ve had to cut back in going out. That’s has brought along a deep sense of uselessness and boredom. Job searching continues, but with a few rejection letters from even the easiest of jobs. The market is extremely tight, apparently. To the point even stock boys need experience to apply.
There’s been a lot of conversations with many friends, and the Ex. A lot of tumbling emotions, anger, and resentment. Missing and some lack of sleep didn’t help with that. But some conclusions came about. Good conclusions. Level up conclusions.
First, with the notch out of the way, without that obsession, I can now focus on myself. I’ve begun to work out everyday. Tiny ass weights, that’s all they got in the house, but its a start. Second, the anger and resentment for the Ex, that’s still around, that beat out the Zen, must be put into focusing on myself. I repress a lot. Too much. I try to stay calm 24/7 and it backfires. These last couple weeks have been that time. My friend, a submissive, a self-aware woman going through some of the psychological shit I am, and Kay, the friend who has been with me since the beginning of this year of hell, they has made it clear to me that I need to pull my brain out of my ass and start moving at warp speed towards something that isn’t repressed. That isn’t logic. That isn’t the right thing.
The problem with the right thing is that its based on society. Morality is the collective feelings of the upper strata. Its government, religion, rich and collective. I’ve hit many a hiccups thinking “is this right?” Fuck right. It came over me that I shouldn’t think “is this right?”, but “is this good?”
When I talk to a good friend? Good.
When I hit on a chick? Good.
When I don’t care for what’s around her? Good.
When I do whatever the fuck I want? Good.
It takes steps to reach a point like this. It has, obviously, since I’ve posted several realizations before this, but with each step: the loss of the fear, the Zen, the notch; it all culminates throughout my entire life to a point of happiness. My happiness. With myself, with where I am, with what I’ll do, and what I won’t do. A peace beyond religion and beyond work and people and everything else. A peace of myself for myself. If that involves tapping into things left behind because I was judged years ago, I’ll do it. If it means balking the flow of society, I’ll do it. If its good, bad or evil, so what?
There are some things you just can’t keep down.