I come to Salt Lake to visit friends, to relax, to see if I can get some club play, but, as is my 2011, things don’t work out that way at all. Less eating, memories, or whatever the cause, I was in a major funk. Anger, depression, sadness; it felt like I had never left. Three months had never past and I was still hanging on. The birthday night didn’t help.
Yesterday, I talked to my folks. While I was feeling much better than the days before, I was still feeling lost. I had the thought that while married and working, I had a path and a stability. Now, without either, I was floating. I have gained a lot of psychological and emotional strength in California, dealing with the great personalities of Californian women, uselessness and other things. But its only one piece of a very large puzzle.
California is fucked economically. I have a long history of hard work with several companies, working for them for years, but I can’t get hired. I’m on unemployment. I’m not getting anywhere in California with girls or friends. Except for my relatives and the friends I talk to over the net and phone, I am alone. This cannot go on for much longer. There has to be some stability. An ability to find connection.
This is why, despite my attempts at not having to, I am going to go back to my parents place. The Canadian economy is doing much better. I have the support of them, of my other family, my friends in the area. There is a lot there that I need right now, despite my stubborn, independent personalty. Its a great benefit to have, but sometimes you’ve just got to recognize when you’ve got to go home again and start from a solid foundation.
It won’t be forever. It won’t mean I can’t see friends in Utah or family in California. Getting a job in a better economy, feeling better and having being on my own, truly, will allow for those last pieces of the puzzle to connect to make the whole.
I’m strong. I am not afraid. I am willing to move to my advantage and move again to follow my wants. That’s something I wouldn’t have done before the Ex left. Or when I first arrived in California.
Things are always getting better.