Feral and Stone, Part 1

The control was weighing me down. I opened up. I let the temper return, but I was being brought down again by the introvert paranoia and easy attachment of my teenage years. It a balance to defeat the beta still clawing at the cage that’s getting smaller and smaller.

You can’t hold back your emotions, that impossible. Humans are emotional, feeling creatures that run on instinct and primal urges we still barely understand. Years of romantic notions drummed up by writers, poets, philosophers and politically correct science have clouded our minds to the reality of human nature. Even the strictest of researches still deny things like differences between straights and gays, men and women, blacks and whites. Control, it seems, is more important than authenticity.

Alas, we also need control to function in the modern world where everything is controlled one way or another. Food has the USDA. Streets have DOT and police. Your house, FHA. Your lungs, EPA. Your heart, AMA. Your cock, FDA. There isn’t an aspect of your life that isn’t controlled by an outside force. Walk, don’t run. Don’t walk. Carpool lane only. No smoking. No shirts. No shoes. Cross a line, you’re under arrest.

Its like a glass shell with the power of the sun inside. People aren’t meant to live this way.

How do you garner that middle ground where you aren’t an automaton on the edge of breaking, but not a feral man going nowhere, left at the bottom of the civilizational food chain?

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4 responses to “Feral and Stone, Part 1

  1. i wish i knew the answer. i think i’m doing the right thing, then i doubt myself and back and forth, but i just keep going. one day or hour or minute i’m the automaton, next the feral man. i ride the highs and lows. i just hope they spiral upward

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  3. My question is – why do you WANT to be more than the feral human?
    How do you garner that middle ground where you aren’t an automaton on the edge of breaking, but not a feral man going nowhere, left at the bottom of the civilizational food chain?

    I AM the automaton (almost literally – I work in IT), but scratch the surface of the mask just a little too hard and that nanometer-thick veneer of civilization will fall away – and the animal underneath is none too happy. I’m older than you, and don’t even have the luxury of divorce (we’re not married, NJ has no common-law marriage statute). But her name is on the mortgage. She’s dragged me through bankruptcy and foreclosure and even at my income level – recovery is not a realistic option.
    So in a sense, going NOWHERE is in fact a BENEFIT – at least I’m not going DOWN any more.

    And she’s made it clear that like a tapeworm, she will go wherever I go. She will “follow” me to the ends of the earth. Funny, if she were a reasonable person, that mgiht be good – but after emasculating me for years, costing me my family ties, my friendships (IE: Isolating me), then geogrphically isolating me, she was depressed and uemployed for years, it was my savings that funded the house, the custody battle for her daughter (from an ex)… My credit cards that financed the lifestyle… My job that pays the bills… Etc. Not going to keep picking the scabs, just pointing out – you (a) are young and have a recoverable future, and (b) could divorce the woman and go your separate ways without losing everything a second time.

    I also recognize NAWALT, but if 99.44% is good enough for Ivory to be “pure”, then… 99.44% of woman means we see 100% whore. And I see the EXACT same things in my mother, sister, aunts, past girlfriends, female friends, co-workers, etc. If we could harness the hamster, we’d have limitless energy.

    Also, as you have noted in other posts: It is the socially adept who rise to the top. THAT is how you are not left at the bottom of the civilizational food chain. Even an adept criminal with good charisma and people skills will rise; some even make President of the US. Those of us who tend towards literal terms, or use of precise words with specific meanings, tend to be the outsiders – somehow, we speak a different language, think in different ways – and “normal” people don’t understand, nor do they want to. They LIKE the pretty lies.

    But we grow, understand more, and change. A favorite quote from Vampire: The Masquerade, if you’ll forgive the “fanboy” aspect:

    I remember, before, my mother dragged me out to the
    shops with her. She often did. I’d been a good boy, for a
    change, and she’d take me to the sweet shop for a couple
    of candied sticks, or some such. My reward, as it were.
    We were only there a moment when my mother spied a
    friend of hers in the shop too. She went over to talk, and
    left me standing there. It took me a moment, but I
    realized that I was alone. Me and the metal scoops of
    candy piled high. A lifetime of dreams, and no one to see
    me. No one to stop me.
    When my mother returned, she found me standing there,
    shaking, my face red and hands clenched until they
    nearly bled. Oh, how I’d wanted to just grab and take and
    stuff my pockets until they overflowed and then fill myself
    up, stuffing the sweets inside me until I couldn’t fit
    anymore. Only then would I stop.
    But I was afraid. Frightened of being discovered, terrified
    of never being allowed into the sweet shop again, of not
    being able to stuff enough inside me to be happy forever. I
    was afraid.
    I am not afraid anymore.
    – Johann

    Sounds like the transition from Beta to Alpha… Our better nature controlling the urge to choke the living shit out of the assholes who so desperately deserve it – until we realize, ACTING on that need – not impulse – is then only acceptable solution to a rational mind. the alternative is to go back to the “civilized” coma we live in – and there is no fear, in that sense, you are welcomed, provided for, life goes on –
    ” It starts / with one thing /… / Time is a valuable thing / watch it fly by as the pendulum swings / watch it count down / to the end of the day / the clock ticks life away… / ” (Linkin Park)

    And in the end, you accomplish nothing. Better to face the fear – “Embrace the wolf”, if you will, and deal with the Gang (Pack) mind of Man, and the feral power we posess (something woman never will / can understand), and live a life, like Lucifer, screaming, “I WILL NOT SERVE!” and make the world bend to our will.

    At least we’ll go out in a conflagration – instead of a whimper, after a life lived on our knees.

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