I’m broke. And its my fault.
I’ve been trying for a long while to play a character I’m not. I’m no suave guy. I’m no multi-girl man. I’m scouring the bottom of the barrel right now and its costing me. Aiming for higher is costing me. The anger and the frustration. The world buzzing around me, past and future, bringing me down emotionally and mentally. I’ve been drinking a lot this month and last. I used it to go to sleep, then I used it to numb negative emotions. I went out constantly and drank. I went to the casino and lost money. I went out to feel alive, and I just woke up with change in my pocket.
I do have paychecks coming in, soon if the production company isn’t full of cocksuckers. I’ll be more solvent, but its the fact that after getting my credit debt down and banked cash, I tossed it. Other than $1000 for car repair and registration and other fees that went with it, I should have a good buffer. I woke up in the negative, asking my mom for $200 she owes me along with putting back $200 I had taken out for an apartment deposit (which isn’t needed yet, thank God).
When I saw it, I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t panicking or frustrated. I got up, I put my clothes and shoes on. Got my keys and my wallet and went to the bank with the cash, putting it back in. After a few hours, I got a fee for a rejected auto-withdrawal. I didn’t get stressed. I just moved on to doing something else in my day, knowing when the money is there, I gotta pay up.
This is the way I have to be, or I’ll end up in this position 6 months from now, back in the red. I wrote a few days ago that its hard to admit when you haven’t changed. I wrote that in reference to my hours with the Mentor. Now, it shows true all around. I was money blowing when I was married, before that, and since I can remember. It can’t be that way, or I’ll always be a slave to the consumer impulse, the credit corporations, to women, to other men and to my own insecurities.
Tonight, my sister and I went out for sushi. I would of ordered beer or some sake. Just water. I would of scarfed down a $30 worth of food. I had about $14 worth. I didn’t try to keep the conversation going. I didn’t say silly or stupid things. When she was still eating, I stayed silent and stared into space. I had enough to fill me, but not enough to make me full. I felt right, solid; not unsure or wavering. I didn’t want to overdo anything. I didn’t want to try. I just did what I had to. It was just a meal, but it was also a test. A test of my own will to change myself.
I’ve gone far in a year. There’s still much further to go. The humbling is another step. When you realize all you’ve done hasn’t changed you a bit, and you have to push even further to make it where you want to be. Still training. Always training.