The Fight Inside My Head

I’ve written before about my anxiety. The nasty monster that creeps into my life more often than I would like, during good or bad times, and ravages the way I think and act. I’m on meds for it. I’ve gone to group therapy for it. Both have helped immensely. What was crippling to the point of missing work is now manageable, though highly uncomfortable.

For those of you that have been around since the beginning, you know what an utter mess I was during the separation from the Ex. In the last 2 years, more so in the last 6 months, I’ve made vast progress in my emotional and mental wellbeing. I’ve rid myself of the parasites I found learning early game and now, totally single, have created standards and codes, aiming for the highest quality of woman. Not exactly an easy find here, but its a work in progress.

The problem with my illness is that its genetic, from what I can gather. Passed down generation to generation. My mother has a version, so does my sister. Both of my grandfathers and great grandfathers had a version. Its something I can’t escape. I felt it coming on a few days ago. Something simple, something normal, set off a trigger inside my head. The switch, fight or flight, was stuck and my brain pumped its energy. Instinctual, primal, the feelings are not part of my consciousness. They run deep. My life is not bad. I’m working. I’m doing kick ass at my job as I learn. I am not what the impulses say, but they scream it out anyway.

Last night, it kicked me in to insomnia. I laid in bed, tired as fuck, but unable to put down the thoughts racing back and forth. I could literally feel a fight inside my head, between reality and the disease, between the now and the what was. Everytime I told myself its not as bad, memories of the Ex would appear. Tainted memories, things I never thought about often. Fights, moments that I should of noticed, moments in bed of pure happiness made fleeting. The things a man needs to forget to move on. I rolled back and forth, frustrated, for hours, until my body overtook my mind and finally put the war to an end through pure exhaustion. A few hours later, I was awake again and had to function. Things to do in the real world that don’t care for what thoughts keep me up at night.

These moments aren’t the oneitis of a lost chance, able to be broken and scattered with the return to the sexual battlefield. Its not something easily changed by going out and being social. Wrapped in the cloth of this modern man lies the beast of my ancestors, every perk and every flaw. There is no heart disease that kills to early. Cancer doesn’t pop up randomly. Choices and old age usually kill in my family. What is left is the bite of the deepest invisible monster, the last medical stigma. You can survive AIDS. You can beat breast cancer. You can get a new heart. You can’t change the very electric sparks that make you, you. You just have to push through and live, despite the storms you see coming fast, and after the debris has settled, get back to rebuilding. One piece at a time.

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2 responses to “The Fight Inside My Head

  1. “I am not what the impulses say, but they scream it out anyway.”

    -Great point man, a lot of people in these situations identify with the negative thoughts their brain throws at them. Since you already understand that genetics play a big part in this, you may be interested in a few books. They have helped myself and my best friend who is currently/constantly fighting these same demons.
    -PsychoCybernetics 2000 by Bobbe Sommer
    Outlines the CRAFT system used to force a healthy mindset.(Cancel, Replace, Affirm, Focus, Train)
    and In The Realm Of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. Primarily about addiction (behavioral/substance) but provides worthwhile insights about anxiety, it’s causes, effects, and remedies.

  2. I was wondering about the same condition, i got it last night for the first time and it was quite strange but oddly intriguing as well, it seemed to occur when i was heavily breathing trying to fall asleep, a strange warm feeling around the heart as if it had started beating a lot faster which worried me at first so i would snap out of it. Then a really severe one happened which involved a really bright light flashing in my vision and a loud snapping sound, that sounded like electricity or something, and that lasted less than a second and scared me half to death. When i realised that it was heavy breathing that caused it, i started to use a mediation technique I’ve been practicing recently to try and trigger it. It kept scaring me at first when i was able to trigger the sensation, so i had to really pluck up courage to make it last longer, eventually i was ale to make it last about 3 seconds, and the effects seemed to increase quite dramatically. Everything in the room i was in, especially the object i was focused on, began shaking quite badly. I was in a pitch black room and things started to flash red and green almost in a 3d kind of style, with the images kind of bouncing around on top of each other. I am going to try and reach further into the sensation but i am a bit skeptical. Overall the feeling i feel is actually quite pleasant, almost quite relaxing, but so alien to me that I’m scared if i take it too far it will kill me. Sound like you are having similar issues so any input advice would be appreciated. Also it felt like a really significant ‘realisation’ happened on the night just before i went to bed, almost a change of thought process or a better understanding of my life.. cheers for reading!

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