While I’ve dedicated this blog to having posts associated with song titles that inspired or are related to what I am writing, that novelty will not be eternal. After I finish the many parts to Change (In The House of Flies), my experiment with spontaneous/stream-of-thought writing, I will endeavor to put out original short stories and other such things that will not require the use of song titles. Personal posts will still have them. To keep with the theme of Sympathy for the Devil, at the end of posts not associated with a song there will be “What I’m Listening To”. Music was a large part of my life during my teenage years and it has become important again with my divorce.
In associated news, I’m ridding myself of the many distractions that kept me from finding my rhythm and style. As I wrote in my piece for In Mala Fide, Unfortunate Objects, “In two and a half years of marriage, what I have to show for myself is a collection of movies, games and books, most of which I’ll sell because they are useless or meaningless to me.” I sold the TV, I’m selling most of my movies. What games I can’t sell I’m giving away. I sold most of my books for less than 10% of their total value when purchased. I don’t care. If these things aren’t going to help me, I don’t need them. A comedy here, a good action movie there. Maybe, one or two philosophy books I’ve actually read, but I owed things like Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness and Husserl’s Ideas and never, ever read them. Owning them was enough. What kind of living is that, really? Its not, at all. Its being a slave to materialism.
I hope to acquire a few Beat Generation novels before I leave Utah. The Beats and the more creative bands like Pink Floyd, Radiohead and others, having inspired me to tackle my years of stalled writing. I know I’m a creative force. I did several videos in high school that were surreal in nature, which I love to do. The video “Seven Years By Saosin” (see below) won me the top high school media award. The actor in it is my good friend Matthew Dell, an up and coming musician in the Niagara area. The video I profiled on the Wednesday Morning Top 5 List, “Cry Alone” (also see below), one of Matt’s songs, won me an award in college. I’m good at this. I always have been.
What stopped me, what took 4 years of my life to realize, is conformity and false strength is no substitute for true talent and true ego. I know I am smart. I know I am creative. I know I can beat the shit out of any wannabe director with my skills. I faked my strength. I panted and huffed while running. I wanted to be a soldier and an officer because I liked guns and violence. Things that shouldn’t get me in, let alone put me in any position of power. I conformed and thought it would win me gifts, stability, peace of mind I couldn’t find as a college student. I mistook pure ideology for peace. I mistook marriage for happiness. I thought I could rest easy that the hard part of life, finding the one you love, was over. Problems would come, yes, but they could be overcome. Never hit me that the marriage itself could be a problem. Live and learn.
Never conform. Never change for others. Fuck the herd. Fuck the flow. Fuck the world.
It’s all about you and what you want. Nothing else matters. Nothing else ever will.
Listening to: The Wall (Disc 2) by Pink Floyd, The Essential by Bob Dylan